You cannot foretell who will marry whom. Two people may love
each other very much but may end up not marrying each other, and two people who
do not even know each other may marry each other in the end. In India, we
say ‘marriages are made in heaven’, they may be arranged or love marriages.
Every
married couple has one common wish—they want their marriage to work.
Unfortunately, broken marriages are a sad reality because people do get divorced
even after 40+ years of togetherness.
Among
all the studies conducted regarding reasons for marriage failures or divorces, some
consistencies exist regarding the importance of issues such as communication, incompatibility,
and commitment as reasons for divorce. Studies further confirm that the most
commonly reported major contributors to divorce were lack of commitment,
infidelity, and conflict /arguing’ and the most common “final straw’ reasons
were infidelity, domestic violence, and substance use.
There
are many more reasons which attribute to failed marriages. However, I have highlighted a few of them:
1. Infidelity or an extramarital affair
Infidelity
is a sign that sex is missing or unsatisfactory. Personal dissatisfaction and
low self-esteem also can play a role in infidelity. When one person goes
outside of the relationship to get their needs met, whether it is physical or
sexual, this can doom a relationship.
Extra-marital
affairs are responsible for the breakdown of most marriages and end in
divorce. This is one of the most common causes of divorce.
Infidelity,
one of the primary reasons for divorce, often begins as a seemingly innocent
friendship, says cheating expert Ruth Houston. “It starts as an emotional
affair which
later becomes a physical affair.”
2.
Ego
We define ego as your idea of opinion of yourself,
especially your feeling of your own importance and ability. It is said, when
nails grow, we cut nails not fingers; similarly when misunderstandings grow up,
cut your ego, not relationships.
Ego is just a three-letter word, which can destroy an eight-letter word– marriage.
When ego comes in between couples, then their married life is at stake and has a major role in spoiling marriage. Couples need to maintain the gap between ego and self-respect. Ego problem between husband and wife usually arises because of the fear of losing control over your partner or because of the insecurity of losing your spouse to someone else.
3.
Lack of Commitment
The
most common major contributing factor to divorce is lack of commitment as
reported by almost 75% of individuals.
One
of the primary reasons “lack of commitment” which causes the downfall in a
marriage, is that one or both of the spouses begin to drift away from the
relationship and begin taking their partners for granted, it may lead to
infidelity too.
Commitment will not just keep you both faithful to your marriage but will strengthen it too. If you no longer feel loved or important, what will happen to your marriage? If one refuses to work on the relationship, the marriage will not be saved.
4. Conflict / Arguing
Too much conflict and arguing leads to divorce said more than
half the individuals in a study. Most of the couples also agreed that too much
conflict and arguing was a contributor to divorce. Overall all the participants
indicated that conflicts were not generally resolved calmly or effectively.
From bickering about chores to arguing about the kids; incessant arguing kills many relationships.
Couples who seem to keep having the same argument over again and over again often do so because they feel they’re not being heard or appreciated. They find it hard to see or understand the other partner’s point of view that results in lots of arguments with no resolution and ultimately be a cause of divorce.
5. Marrying too young/early
Getting
married too young or early was reported a major factor contributing to divorce.
Some persons feel they were too young to make mature objective decisions regarding
their marriage. If you marry too early or haven’t been able to identify who you
are and what’s important to you, then you can’t choose the best partner.
At a young
age, people take nothing seriously as they should.
Some
others feel they had known their partners for a short period by
marriage and wished they had dated their partners longer in order to gain a
better perspective on the relationship or to make a rational decision as to
whom they should marry.
Lack of preparation is one of the most common reasons for divorce.
6.
Lack of Investment
What
we all correlate investment is ‘with money’. But we forget the ‘time investment’ and ‘education investment’ that we need to
have in learning how to maintain successful marriages.
As per experts simply investing time in each other that may include 2 to 3 hours of your undivided attention for your partner is sufficient. But in this new world, nobody has the time to even think about it, leave alone follow it.
7.
Lack of Trust
What’s
left without trust? Relationships are composed of trust, and sharing of
intimate thoughts and feelings. They are built upon trust and sharing and they
get stronger from these things (Finkenauer, Kerkhof, Righetti, & Branje,
2009). According to Regan, Kocan, and Whitlock (1998) Trust is one of the most
important component of a loving relationship.
Also international studies have found trust to be a critical factor in the success of long-term marriages (Roizblatt et al. 1999; Sharlin 1996).
8.
Poor Communication
Communication
is crucial in marriage and not being able to communicate effectively, quickly
leads to resentment and frustration for both, impacting all aspects of a
marriage.
Lack
of communication can spell disasters for the relationship. If you can’t talk out in a way both partners
understand, all that’s left is an unproductive argument and growing resentment.
That’s why divorce often waits at the bottom of that slippery slope. Poor
communication is one of the biggest reasons for 65% of divorces.
“Communication to a relationship is like oxygen to life, without it – It Dies”.
9. Lack of Intimacy
Marriage
needs intimacy to survive. Intimacy may be a) Physical or b) Emotional.
Physical intimacy often enhances a marriage. While sex is the MOST deciding
factor in marriage, missing sex and intimacy can lead to serious relationship
issues like anger, infidelity, or communication breakdown - all of which can
lead to irreparable damage ending the marriage.
Couples
must understand that sex life suffers if there is a lack of emotional intimacy
too. Spending time together can help build emotional intimacy. It is important
for couples to understand why sex is important and how they should use intimacy
and sex as glue to maintain their love bond.
Ignoring your partner’s sexual needs is being called the number one cause of divorce in recent times.
10. Lack of equality
Lack
of equality comes close behind the number one cause of divorce, lack of
intimacy, in recent times.
Here are some examples of the ways inequality in
decision-making can present itself in a relationship: One person is always
picking the place to go out, one person is deciding where to go on vacation, or
one person has the final say on major life events. In my opinion, both partners
should be given an equal opportunity in taking the decisions, at least his/her
point of view should be heard before arriving at any decision.
Resentment often snowballs to become one of the reasons for divorce. It is a leading cause of divorce.
11. Unrealistic expectations
It’s
easy to go into marriage with lofty expectations, expecting your spouse and the
marriage to live up to your image of what they should be.
In
every relationship we have, we often set expectations, some of which may be
unrealistic e.g. ‘they will always be romantic, they will always support
everything you do, they will always say the right thing, everything will always
go smoothly’ and so on. These
expectations can put a lot of strain on the other person, leaving you feeling
let down and setting your spouse up for failure.
Having unrealistic expectations in a relationship is detrimental in the long run. Wrong expectation setting can become one of the reasons for divorce.
12. Unforgiveness
Our
inability to truly forgive our partner in a marriage can lead to the end of the
relationship. People tend not to forgive an act that had hurt or offended them,
but forgiveness can always lessen its grip on you and help free you from the
control of the person who harmed you.
Unforgiveness
might bring anger and bitterness into every relationship; you can’t enjoy the
present, become depressed or anxious, and ultimately lead to a broken marriage.
Constantly reliving the trauma of the past experiences never gives the wounds the opportunity to heal and one gets depressed so much that it results in the end of the relationship.
13. Domestic Violence
Abuse, from physical harm to emotional manipulation like a
partner withdrawing affection as punishment, leaves people feeling powerless.
Separating from the abusive partner—in a safe and supported way—is the best way
to regain your safety. Domestic violence can leave you depressed and anxious, resulting in the breakup of the relationship.
It
doesn’t always stem from the abuser being a “bad” person; deep emotional issues
are usually to blame. Regardless of the reason, no one should tolerate abuse,
and must remove yourself from the relationship safely is important.
Physical
or emotional abuse is a sad reality for some couples and contributes to most divorces.
So
Friends, my sincere advice to couples would be to make your spouse feel valued,
understood, and accepted. They may not always agree with each other, but each
partner attempts to understand the other’s point of view with warmth and
empathy.
In my opinion, Marriage is more than a physical
union; it is also a spiritual and emotional union, so Save Your Marriage, please.
Inputs & pics courtesy Google, marriage.com, Unsplash
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